


The story of Ben Solo

by MissReylo



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Bad Parent Han Solo, Bad Parent Leia Organa, Drama, Fluff, How Ben Solo turned to the Dark Side, I'm Bad At Tagging, Luke Skywalker is a dad, No Smut, Not in line with bloodline, Pre-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Rey is a Skywalker, So much angst, Young Ben Solo, Young Rey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-24
Updated: 2016-06-26
Packaged: 2018-07-17 23:49:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7291060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissReylo/pseuds/MissReylo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It is hard to imagine Kylo Ren as a little boy. But before he was Snoke's apprentice he was Ben Solo, the son of the smuggler Han Solo and the legendary Leia Organa. This is the heartbreaking story of the weak and foolish boy that Kylo Ren so ruthlessly destroyed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

 

When Ben Solo was a little boy he was happy. His mother, Leia Organa-Solo would take him everywhere, carrying little Ben in a sling. Baby Ben would play with his mother’s brown locks or pinch her nose. Everyone admired Ben, the son of two legends.

‘He’s going to be such a handsome man.’ They would say or: ‘What a cute baby. I know where he gets his looks from!’

Leia was always busy but she took Ben with her, always. His father never did such a thing. The only thing Ben did with his father was playing with the Falcon. When Ben was eight he knew everything about the ship his father Han adored. When Ben was nine his father taught him how to use a blaster. He had to promise not to tell his mother that Han had let him touch an blaster. Han wasn’t home much, always busy. Ben could remember his parents being happy together. Laughing, kissing, hugging. Sometimes, on the rare occasion they were both home, they would gather around the fireplace and his father would tell him all about how his parents met and Darth Vader and Uncle Luke. Those stories were wonderful. His father told the stories and his mother would add details. Sometimes they would argue about how it went. But Uncle Luke could tell the best stories. He told them in a way Ben could see the pictures in front of him. He could almost see his mother, dad and uncles Luke and Chewie in the trash compacter. Uncle Luke didn’t visit much, he was too busy training the new Jedi’s.

Becoming a Jedi, that was what his parents wanted Ben to do. Every year they talked about it and every year Ben wasn’t ready. He didn’t want to go. He didn’t understand why he had to go.

It had all started when he was six and had talked about a man in his dreams who talked to him about the Dark side. He had just mentioned at breakfast and his mother had panicked. She had spend the whole afternoon calling to Uncle Luke. Ben could have sworn he heard her crying.

‘What if it’s all happening again, Luke? I don’t know what to do..’ She had sobbed. She had tried bringing him to Luke’s academy but Ben didn’t want to. He had thrown a tantrum. He didn’t want to leave his parents. And the man in his dreams called Snoke had told him the Jedi wanted to do bad things to him. His father started to not come home for months. His mother cried and when he came home they argued. Ben listened through the door and he was sure that he had caused this. He didn’t mention Snoke again. But his mother still tried to get him to Luke’s academy.

When he was twelve he finally went. He could see the relief on his parents faces when he told them he was ready.

‘It’s because they want me to go away.’ He thought.

His mother would have preferred a daughter, he was sure of it. A beautiful sweet daughter who loved politics just like her. Not him. Never him.

 

 

Snoke raged in Ben’s dreams and it became worse. ‘Finish what your grandfather started!’ Snoke screamed. Ben tried to ignore it but he couldn’t. He dreamed of his parents dying. Snoke told him that would happen if little Ben didn’t follow him. He didn’t sleep for days, keeping himself awake by walking circles through his bedroom. His eyes were heavy and he wanted to sleep so badly.

‘Kid, what’re you doing?’ Han opened the door. He was home from a half year mission. His mother had screamed at him at dinner about walking away from his responsibilities. But they had said sorry to each other and for the first time in forever Han slept in the master bedroom with Leia. ‘Go to sleep, Ben, tomorrow we’re going to Luke’s academy.’

‘I can’t.’ Ben said, rubbing his eyes. ‘I won’t go to sleep. Snoke’s trying to get me.’

Han came in his bedroom and sat down on Ben’s bed.

‘Son, I’m sorry.’ He said.

‘For what?’ Ben asked. He stopped walking.

‘For not being a good father. I’m sorry. Your mom talked to me about it and I know I’ve neglected you.’ Han said and ruffled with his hand through Ben’s hair.

‘It’s okay, dad.’ Ben lied, fighting against tears. ‘Really.’

Ben wasn’t brave enough to say how much he had missed Han. How much he had cried at night, missing his father. How much he had hoped that Han would come in unexpected one night and give Ben one of his warm hugs. How much he had wanted Han to be there. But he lied and Han believed it.

He really believed it was okay. But it never was.

Han left a little bit awkwardly and Ben promised to go to sleep. He lied again. As soon as he heard the click of his parents door he started walking circles again.

 

 

The next morning at breakfast Ben was tired. His father stared at him. Leia tried not to noticed and talked about how Ben would meet his niece again and how lovely it would be at the Jedi Academy.

‘It’s going to be wonderful, Ben. Your father and I are very proud of you.’ Leia said softly, grabbing Ben’s hand.

Ben shivered. His mother hadn’t held his hand or hugged him in a long time. Leia looked at her eggs guiltily.

‘But think about your little niece. It will be great to see her again!’ Leia said after some silence. Ben had met his little niece, Rey, only once. Rey’s mother had died during childbirth. She would be one year old now, Ben realized.

Ben started crying from fear and exhaustion when it was time to leave. They would go with the Falcon and he had his bags. He didn’t want to go. Maybe he could go next year? But his mother forced him softly on to the Falcon where Uncle Chewie hugged him. That only made Ben cry more.

‘Remember that Uncle Luke will be there!’ Leia said, trying to comfort Ben.

‘I don’t want to go!’ Ben cried.

‘Don’t cry, kid. It’s gonna be great.’ Han yelled from the cockpit.

‘How do you know, you aren’t leaving! Oh, wait. Yes you are. You always leave!’ Ben yelled. He didn’t know where that came from.

‘Ben.’ Leia warned. Ben crossed his arms.

‘It’s the truth. Dad’s never home. And now you’re going to abandon me with Uncle Luke.’ Leia closed her eyes.

‘I’m sorry, Ben, but it’s for the best.’ Ben swallowed.

‘It’s because of Snoke, isn’t it? You’re afraid I’m going to be crazy. Just like grandfather.’ Leia started crying.

‘No, Ben, it’s just, your dad and I think it’s better for you if you are trained by Luke. He is a Jedi, he’ll teach you things that will be important.’

‘You don’t want me anymore.’ Ben whispered. ‘I’m not good enough.’

And then he ran away and hid in his secret place where only Chewie knew he could come. But this time even Chewie didn’t came to comfort him. Ben was truly alone and Snoke was the only one who could understand. His shadow loomed over the little boy and everyone could see it, except for Ben himself. In the beginning Snoke was someone to be afraid of. But through the years it had become a comforting presence, a shadow who understood how it felt to always be the second choice, to be abandoned. Snoke was almost a friend. Maybe Ben wouldn’t have succumbed to Snoke so easily if his dad had been home more. Maybe he could have fought it better if he had been forced to go to the Jedi Academy when he was five. Nobody knows. The only thing twelve year old Ben knows is that his parents are afraid of him. And that hurts.

 

**\- Please review and leave kudos! I'll be posting another chapter soon! -**


	2. Chapter 2

When Ben was eleven years old his niece Rey was born. At midnight Ben was awoken by the sound of his mother talking downstairs. He slipped out of bed, the floor cold underneath his feet, and he tiptoed down the stairs. His mother in her nightgown with her hair braided was standing in the kitchen calling with Luke. Ben stared at his mother’s face, her excitement and her sorrow. When the call ended his mother smiled.

‘Ben, I know you’re there.’ She said. Ben ran in to the kitchen.

‘Why did Uncle Luke call, mum?’ Ben asked, hugging his mom.

‘Ben, sit down.’ Leia said and Ben sat down at the kitchen table. It was dark outside and Leia closed the curtains and clicked on some lamps. She then made tea. ‘Ben, you have a niece.’ Leia said finally when she gave Ben a cup of tea and sat down in front of him. Ben almost spilled his tea from excitement.

‘Really? What’s her name?’ Ben asked, eyes wide. Leia chuckled and pinched his nose.

‘Rey, her name is Rey. But aunt Mara died in childbirth.’ She said.

Ben hadn’t met Mara a lot but sometimes she and Uncle Luke would come over for Christmas. She was very nice and really took the time to understand Ben. Ben liked her. And now she had died.

‘Oh.’ Ben said staring at his tea.

‘Ben, we’re going to the Jedi Academy to see Uncle Luke and Rey. Luke needs me now.’ Leia said and stood up.

‘But dad?’

‘Dad’s away.’ Leia said with pain in her voice. ‘I’ll call him to tell where we are. Now pack your things, we’re leaving right now.’

When Ben came downstairs with a little bag with things he heard his mom talking to his dad, crying.

‘Han, where are you?’

‘Honey, I can’t tell you. It’s important.’

‘That woman again?’

‘No, Leia, no! I promised, sweetheart. I’m sorry I can’t be there but you just have to go with Ben.’

‘Han, I need you!’

‘O c’mon, princess. You can handle this, right? You’re a fighter.’

‘Han!’ The call ended. His mother wiped away tears, tears of abandonment and anger.

‘C’mon, Ben, we’re going.’ She said.

‘Are you mad at dad?’ Ben asked. Leia ruffled trough Ben’s hair softly.

‘I’m just a little bit disappointed.’ Leia whispered. ‘But I’ve got you, right?’

That wasn’t very comforting.

They went on a cargo ship to the planet where Luke was. Ben fell asleep with his head on his mothers shoulder. Leia looked at her sleeping son and a tear appeared in the corner of her eye.

In the morning they arrived and a lady with dark brown long hair in Jedi robes was waiting for them. She introduced herself as Master Mirthe and she seemed kind. Luke was in his rooms in the Academy with his daughter. Ben touched her Jedi robe, admiring it. The woman smiled and talked about Jedi Robes. It was very early in the morning so not many people were awake. Leia and Ben followed the lady to Uncle Luke.

Ben was used to seeing his Uncle happy. Smiling, always optimistic. He had grown a beard last year and he still had it. But Ben wasn’t used to the sad lost look in his uncle’s eyes. His mother hugged Luke and they talked softly. Ben didn’t listen, he was distracted by the sound of a cooing baby. He looked in the baby cot and looked at the lovely baby. She was very beautiful with red cheeks and brown hair. Ben immediately liked her and Rey grabbed his finger and suckled on it. Ben smiled. Rey liked him too. She was strong with the Force, he felt it. Her force signature was bright and burning. That was to be expected, being the daughter of Luke Skywalker. His uncle put his hand on Ben’s shoulder.

‘She’s nice, isn’t she?’

‘I like her, uncle.’ Ben said happily. ‘Her force signature is bright!’

‘It definitely is.’ Luke said, his eyes red of crying. ‘Ben, it’s good to see you again.’

Ben hugged his uncle and his uncle chuckled.

‘I’m happy to see you again too uncle.’ Ben said. Luke barely heard it, the sound of his voice was muffled because Ben hid his face in Luke’s chest. Luke could swear he heard a single sob but when Ben let go of Luke there wasn’t a tear to be seen.

In the evening they left and Ben kissed his niece’s forehead. She giggled and it was the nicest sound Ben had ever heard. His uncle crouched so he was at eye level with Ben.

‘Ben, can you promise me something?’ Asked Luke. Ben nodded.

‘If Snoke bothers you again you have to fight him. He isn’t nice.’ Luke said and ruffled through Ben’s hair.

‘Okay.’ Ben lied.

His uncle was one of the only persons who understood him, but not on this. Luke couldn’t understand how nice Snoke had become. How friendly. How he was almost a father for Ben. But he didn’t want to disappoint Luke.

‘Now, go home with your mom. I know your mom wants you to become a Jedi, but in the end it’s your choice.’ Luke said and pinched his nephew’s cheek. Leia had tried to convince Ben the whole afternoon that he could stay here, it was nice here, right? But Luke had seen the fear in his nephews eyes and shushed Leia.

‘I’ll see you soon.’ Luke called after Ben.

 

 

A year later Ben saw Luke again. But not for a visit. Ben was still crying when his parents pushed him further. Luke was waiting for them with little Rey on his hip. ‘Hey, Ben!’ Luke said. After the argument with his parents Ben had stayed in his hiding place almost an hour. Then Chewie had found him and told him that they were there. Ben had started crying again. He regretted his decision but his parents wouldn’t let him back away this year. Luke hugged his nephew.

‘Calm down, Ben.’ He said kindly. ‘I’ve got you!’ Rey mumbled some words.

‘Ben, do you want to hold Rey?’ Luke asked. Ben held his niece. She had grown. She now had short brown hair and some teeth. Ben laughed. Luke hugged Leia and talked to Han.

‘Ben?’ Leia asked with tears in her eyes. ‘Ben, we have to go.’

Ben panicked.

‘No, I don’t want you to go. I want to go back home with you!’

‘Ben, don’t be a baby. You’re here with your uncle.’ Han said tiredly.

‘Han..’ Luke tried.

‘No, I’m tired of his crying. Ben, you’re going. I don’t care if you want it or not.’ Han said angrily and Ben didn’t dare to mutter a word.

He had _disappointed_ his dad. Holding back tears he kissed his mother’s cheek. He didn’t hug or kiss Han. Chewie roared at him and Ben felt lonely. Then they left and Ben was left with Uncle Luke and his niece Rey. Rey kissed his finger.

‘Come on, Ben, let’s get you inside.’ Luke said, pitying the little boy who seemed so lost.

That day was the day his parents lost Ben.

 

 

Ben trained for three years with his uncle. But it was hopeless. Snoke had done too much damage. Told him that his family once ruled the galaxy and that his parents were ashamed of it. That his parents were weak for not using their powers. That his uncle was a murderer. And Ben believed it. His parents had abandoned him here because they were afraid that he would become like Darth Vader, they were ashamed. They were probably happy without him. One afternoon fifteen year old Ben was sitting in front of the lake, staring at the water. Snoke had told him that he had to kill the Jedi three days ago. He hadn’t slept since, afraid of the nightmares, so he used his old trick every night again. The walking circles in his bedroom trick was easier to use here then at his old house because nobody would hear him. That comforted and terrified Ben at the same time. Playing with his padawan braid he stared in the lake, seeing his reflection. ‘Hey, Ben.’ Little Rey sat down next to him.

‘What you’re doing?’

‘Nothing, Rey.’ Ben said. Rey was the only one who loved him, it seemed. Almost all day she would be at his side, laughing and playing. Ben acted like he was irritated by the little girl but the truth was that she comforted him. She made him feel happy. She cared for him.

‘You’re worrying, aren’t you?’ Asked Rey and climbed on his lap. ‘Don’t worry.’

Ben smiled.

‘I’m going to tickle you to death if you keep worrying.’ Rey threatened and hugged him. Ben hugged her back.

Ben remembered a year ago when Rey had fallen asleep in his arms one night during meditation. Uncle Luke had allowed him to carry Rey to her bedroom. Rey wasn’t very heavy and she had snuggled closer while he carried her upstairs. He loved Rey. Rey loved him. They were both lonely children. But at least they had each other. And Ben would protect her. Always.

 

 

 

Leia and Han visited Ben in the summer. Leia had gray streaks in her hair and Han looked tired. Ben didn’t hug them. He stood next to Uncle Luke, holding Rey’s hand.

‘Ben..’ Leia said and smiled. ‘You’ve grown so much, sweetheart.’

She tried to stroke his cheek but Ben flinched away.

‘Kid..’ Han tried but Ben didn’t meet his eyes. ‘I’m sorry.’

This time Ben didn’t lie and say it was okay.

‘I know.’ He just said.

Rey was exhilarated to meet her aunt and uncle. Leia was enchanted by the lovely young girl. Han smiled when the girl climbed on his lap and pulled at his hair. Ben stared at them and Luke gripped his shoulder.

‘They love you, really.’ Luke said and looked at his nephew. In only a few years Ben had grown taller than him.

‘If they loved me, they wouldn’t have left me.’ Ben said. ‘And see, they love Rey. They wanted a daughter.’

‘That’s not true, Ben.’ Luke smiled softly. ‘When you were born Leia was so happy. Han couldn’t stop talking about how he would love you to pieces.’

‘But then I turned out to be bat shit crazy.’ Ben said harshly. Han heard him and looked at him with pain in his eyes.

‘No, you aren’t. I believe in you.’ Luke said.

But Luke’s faith didn’t help Ben. Snoke was winning. The next day Han and Leia left.

That was the last time his parents would see him as Ben Solo.

But they didn’t know that then. Leia kissed Ben’s cheek, Ben had to crouch down because he had grown so much. Rey gave Han and Leia flower crowns giggling and Ben hated it. He hated that Rey liked his parents. They would disappoint Rey too and he didn’t want the little girl to feel the pain he had felt. Luke studied his nephew and felt how the Dark side was clouding him.

Luke meditated that night very long, hoping to find answers to what to do. He was losing his nephew to the dark side. He hadn’t told Leia and Han, he didn’t want to worry them. He knew Leia was on the edge of giving up. She would never admit it but he knew how much it had hurt her to leave Ben. He was disturbed by his daughter.

‘Dad?’ Rey asked and sat down next to him.

‘Yes, Rey?’ Asked Luke and smiled at her. He loved her so much.

‘Dad, I feel it too. About Ben.’ She said. She was only four but already so wise. Luke hugged her.

‘Don’t worry, my princess. Don’t worry.’

‘But what if Ben becomes bad?’ Rey asked. Luke didn’t answer. The next morning everything went wrong. Ben didn’t show up and Master Mirthe was send to find him.

‘Maybe he overslept’ Luke thought but he knew that wasn’t true. Ben _never_ overslept. After some time Master Mirthe came back.

‘He’s gone, master Skywalker.’ She said. ‘He isn’t here. He left, I can feel it.’

Rey gasped.

‘Master Mirthe, why would Ben leave?’ She asked.

Master Mirthe smiled.

‘I don’t know, young one. Maybe he wanted to walk a bit.’ She tried to comfort the little girl with a lie. But it wasn’t working. Luke left to call Leia and Han. Rey wandered through the territory of the Academy calling for Ben. Ben was almost like a big brother for her and now he had left her. She couldn’t really understand it. But she felt the pain of abandonment just like Ben had always felt.

After four days Ben came back, at night. But he was not alone. Accompanied by a group of warriors. Luke saw them coming. He summoned Master Mirthe who came in with sleepy eyes, quickly dressed.

‘Try to leave with the padawans. I will face them.’ He said.

‘No, master Skywalker, I can’t leave you.’ Mirthe said. Luke had saved her life when she was fifteen and had trained her in the ways of the Force. He was a father for her.

‘Mirthe, go. Take care of Rey, please.’ Luke said. Mirthe hugged her master with tears in her eyes.

‘May the Force be with you, Luke Skywalker.’ Said Mirthe and pulled up her hood.

‘May the Force be with you too.’ Luke said and wiped away a tear. They were coming closer.

 

It was a bloodbath. There were too many and the padawans stood no chance. Master Mirthe and other Masters did their bests but it wasn’t working. Rey, hurriedly dressed, stayed close to Master Mirthe. Her friends were dying and the little girl was crying.

‘Calm down, honey.’ Mirthe said. But then a knight appeared around the corner. Rey screamed and Mirthe tried to protect Rey. She was stabbed in the chest. Rey screamed and screamed and then she ran away. She knew a hidden place in the cellar and no one would find her there. Nobody except for Ben. Hidden in her secret place she tried to stifle her sobs. The bad guys had killed almost everyone. Luckily Ben hadn’t been here. Maybe he would come back later and then he would save her. He would kill the bad guys. He was a good fighter.

Someone came down the stairs and Rey held in her breath.

A man in black with a mask on stood there and Rey trembled from fear.

‘Rey, I know you’re there.’ The man said mechanically and Rey bit her lip. Shaking she came out her hiding place. The man towered above her and he grabbed his light saber. The red light saber sizzled and the light saber went in the air and then down –

‘I can’t do it.’ The voice said.

Rey opened her eyes. The man deactivated his saber and then took off his mask. Rey wrapped her arms around herself. And then she saw who he was.

_Ben._

_Her Ben._

She squealed. ‘

Ben, you came back!’

Ben winced and nodded.

‘Are you going to save us from the bad guys? Is that why you’re dressed up as one?’ The naïve girl asked.

‘I can’t do it.’ Ben said, trying not to cry.

‘What?’

‘I have to kill you.’ Ben whispered. Rey didn’t understand.

‘Why?’

‘Because I’m one of them.’ Ben said. ‘It is my destiny.’

‘But they are murderers.’ Rey screamed. ‘You are a murderer too. They killed Master Mirthe!’

‘I’m sorry, Rey.’ Ben said. He looked in the eyes of his niece and he couldn’t. He just couldn’t kill her. ‘I’m so sorry.’

Then he waved his hand and the little girl slumped down on the floor, unconscious. The force faint, a very useful skill. He lifted her up and put his hand on her forehead and began wiping her memory with the force.

He took every memory of her, memories of birthdays, memories of laughter, memories of joy and erased them until everything was gone. ‘I’m really sorry.’ He said to no one in particular.

His voice echoed in the cellar. He knew that what he had done was unforgiveable. He had murdered. He had betrayed his own family. He had erased the memory of a girl who trusted him.

He was a monster. He truly was.

 

He brought her to Jakku. The sand planet his father had once shown him. Nobody would look for Rey there.

After the massacre he had asked to see the corpse of his uncle. The knights told him that they hadn’t found him. That meant he wasn’t dead. They spent the whole night looking for Luke but he had disappeared. This was Ben’s revenge. Luke would believe that his daughter was dead.

Rey woke up when they landed. She was dizzy and confused. She didn’t recognize him. It broke Ben’s heart to see her so. But it was this or murder. He left her on Jakku and that was the next unforgiveable deed he did. She screamed and cried for him to come back. Something in her felt that she could trust him. Ben turned his back to her. Now he abandoned Rey. Now he had abandoned someone. He had been abandoned his whole life and now he did the same. He wiped away one tear. The screams of Rey tore through his heart. The only thing he had said to her was: ‘Your name is Rey, girl. Someday I will come back.’ Someday. When Ben entered the ship he wasn’t Ben Solo anymore. He was Kylo Ren, a knight of Ren. His heart was cold. Ben Solo was a weak and foolish boy. He, Kylo Ren, had destroyed him. He had left him here on Jakku.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave kudos or comment!


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